I am so behind in documenting here on this blog. I have wanted to get caught up but have put it off.
I have decided that I need to express my feelings about this tragedy, even if I am not caught up.
Yesterday, December 14, there was a tragic rampage-shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut. 20 children were shot and 6 adults before the shooter killed himself.
I am a mother of four children. I have sent my children out of my door to school for the past fifteen years. I have said, "I love you-have a good day" every single one of those days. I then go about taking care of business at home, assuming that my children are learning and safe. I hear the bus and welcome them home.
Yesterday my confidence and trust about sending my children out into the world was shattered. It has been shattered before, however, there always seemed to be enough big pieces that were left over to keep going.
In 1999 there was the tragic shooting at Columbine High School. Along with our nation, I was shocked that such a horrible thing could happen-anywhere, but especially a school.
I remember 9/11. I remember wondering if I should go and get Ashley from school. I remember being so grateful when I watched her get off of that bus. I watched too much news coverage.
As the years have passed more and more tragedy's have happened. Shooting after shooting in post offices, malls, schools, colleges, tiny Amish schools, public political rally's, movie theaters. It seems that these horrible acts are becoming so common that it is happening on a regular basis. This week alone there were two.
I am an educator by profession. Twenty years ago I did my student teaching in a third grade classroom. I remember very clearly the day that we had an "intruder drill." I remember being instructed to have the children gather behind the wall behind the teacher's desk. I remember thinking how awful it was that we needed to teach our kids this. This was BEFORE the Columbine tragedy. Before all of the terrific scenes that have played out since. I remember thinking how scary it would be, but I also remember being naive enough to think something terrible could never really happen.
Time moved forward. Columbine's tragedy happened it 1999. Ashley was barely in school. By the time Ashley was in high school multiple massacres had happened. Right before school started the sports teams all participated in a "shooter drill".It was the first time the district had had this type of drill. It was actually called a "shooter drill." All the kids that played sports were involved in the drill. They all knew it was happening. They had all been instructed on what to do. Ashley came home that day a very scared fourteen year old. She told me about the drill. How it transpired, what they did. She said, "Mom, I knew it was fake, and it was so scary!" I remember having the thought that never in my life did I ever worry about being shot. I grew up in a time when everyone hunted. At any given time you could go into the school parking lot and find a rifle across the back window of a pickup truck. Never did I fear that someone would come into that school and open fire. Now my child was having a drill to help them know what to do.
Hearing about this latest tragedy yesterday has shaken me to my core. A twenty year old walked into an elementary school and opened fire. An elementary school! All the children were between five and nine years old. As I heard the door open I was so relieved to see my big sixteen year old walk into my house. I watched the clock slowly tick as I waited for the bus that would bring Justin home. I walked to the bus stop. While I waited for that bus I cried. My sweet, busy boy would be getting off of that bus. The parents of twenty children in Connecticut were not having that experience. They were waiting in a fire station awaiting the news identifying their children. They all knew that if they were there that their children were among those that were dead. They knew that they would never again hold their child. The presents that they had gotten for Christmas would never be opened.
As I waited, the tears streamed down my face. I have never been so relieved to see that little boy jump off that bus. He had no idea why I was at the bus stop. I don't usually wait for him. He gave me a hug and went on his way. As far as I know he and the others were oblivious to the tragedy that had transpired earlier in the day. I am grateful that they don't know.
Sadly, however, I know. I know that every single day that I send my little family out into the world that they are at risk. I know that there are crazy people out there. I remember after 9/11 feeling very angry. I remember not wanting to allow the terrorists to make me feel afraid. I didn't want to have my life taken over by fear.
I don't feel that strong today. I want to keep my family close by. I want them to never have to leave my house ever again. I am reminded of my wedding day when the officiator married us. He said," Your home will become a sanctuary, the only place that your children are truly safe." I have never forgotten that. That time has come.
How do we keep going? How do we continue to live? How do we allow our children to go to school? Do we? Do we go shopping? How do we not live in fear?
I don't have any answers. I don't know how we continue. I know that I am not confident that my children are safe at school. I know that our high school is a horrible place. I know that there is a risk every single day. How do we keep going? I feel exhausted and completely spent.
I also realize that I am a lucky mom. My children are home. My children have played Lego's, played the piano, played video games, eaten, fought, hugged and made messes. My children are here with me. I tucked them all into bed last night. I got to tell them all that I loved them and then looked at their sleepy faces when they woke up this morning.
I guess that we keep going on because it is what we have to do. We look at their faces and keep trying to help them plug through this life. Even when we are tired, we keep fighting the dragons because we love them. We keep keeping on because really we don't have much choice.
We do it because we love them.
