Wow-it is already January 6, 2010 TWENTY TEN---doesn't that just sound so cool? A new year, a new decade, a new start.
I have been really trying to formulate a plan in my mind. I know things that I want to work on. The problem for me is that I struggle with the whole New Year's Resolution thing. Shouldn't we start working on things whenever we feel we need to? Having said that I still feel the draw of the New Year. I just want to improve my life--improve myself.
I always want to improve myself, I am often feeling a bit out of sorts. Like I am watching the merry-go round go around and around with everyone on it and I just can't seem to get the timing right to jump on. I felt this way profoundly last winter. I have struggled with Seasonal Affective Disorder for years. This is a mildly depressing condition that is totally brought on by lack of sunlight in the winter time. Last winter was the longest darkest winter of my life. I was not depressed in the typical sense. It was as if there was a huge dark blanket over me that I couldn't free myself from. I couldn't make myself get out of bed any earlier than absolutely necessary. Once I was freed from the beds clutches I was fine, boring, but fine. I taught preschool, took care of my family--but I clearly felt that something was missing.
It is January 6, 2010 and I have been getting out of bed at 4:30 AM three times a week for a few months! Me, the person who's bed sucks them in and wraps them up and throws away the key! Me! I have been getting up and exercising. Last year, my bed grabbed me about Thanksgiving and didn't let go until about April.
Thanks to some friends who are going at the crazy early hour we are going. I told my friend that I needed her to continue to come and be at my house at early o'clock, so that my bed didn't suck my back in. She told me that she would keep coming, it helps her too.
Why all the information about my crazy exercise schedule? I have realized what was missing
in my life. It is not exercise.
Exercising has made it possible for me to KNOW what is missing.
Exercising regularly has helped me figure out what was missing. Last summer I started trying to run. I ran very regularly all summer. I got up to four miles. It was hard every single time, although it did get easier. When school started I started back to the gym taking lots of different types of classes. Then I started to notice something. It wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting to get a smaller rear end. What I noticed was entirely different.
I noticed that I wanted to make things. I pulled out my sewing machine. I pulled out fabric that I had bought a year earlier. I started cutting, sewing, creating. My dining room table was a mound of fabric for weeks. I made a
Halloween wall hanging, I bought more fabric, I made Christmas banners--mine first and then six more. I made a Thanksgiving banner, a table runner and then two Christmas wall hangings.
During this time I was also lucky enough to win tickets to Spark! I started reading about the event and the show and tell artists. One of them made darling crocheted hats, scarves and flowers. I wanted to try to crochet again. I hadn't done it for years. I made myself a hat that I took and wore to Spark!! Spark was magical. It is hard for me to put into words what happened at Spark! To a bystander it would have appeared like a crafting event. A bunch of women pulling suitcases around from place to place making things.
It was so much more than a big craft party. Yes, we did learn new processes. Yes, we did make things. But the magic happened because we were able to find our voices. I don't mean that we were all able to suddenly sing like angels(I would love that). I mean that we were able to just remember that we all are creative beings. I have always known this. I have always liked to create fun pretty things. However, in the last ten years I have been stunted in my creativity. I thought that I was stunted because I have been so busy raising my family. That is in part true. I thought that I was stunted because I had mild winter depression. That is in part true as well.
What I realized at Spark! was that I was stunted because I was comparing my creations to other people. I have been subscribing to scrapbook magazines since the very first issue. I have been following
scrapbooking "celebrities" for years. I have always been aware of the new styles and new products available. I have been a very busy Mom, so I didn't have much time, however, the deeper story is that I felt like what I was making was not
valuable because I was not part of a design team. I was not being published in "the" magazines. I felt overwhelmed because I couldn't keep up with all the changing trends.
So what did I do? I stopped being the creative person that I have always been. I stopped learning new processes because why bother if I wasn't going to be published or if I wasn't going to have a booth to sell what I made.
What I
remembered at Spark! was that we are all creative. Some of us use words, some of us design paper, some of us are gifted with a camera,flowers or fabric. There are still others that for some reason are in the "industry" and have lots and lots of companies and people that know who they are and like what they produce. Does this mean that they are of more value than the person that hasn't been published? No, it only means that they have been given a different road to travel. Is one road more important than another? Absolutely not.
When I first read about Spark! I was shocked to find one of the main quotes was from a talk that I have listened to over and over again.
Deiter F.
Uchtdorf sums up the creative spirit more perfectly than I have ever heard it described:
"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds or abilities we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. Everyone can create. What you create doesn't have to be perfect. Don't let fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you--whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside." D.F. UchtdorfWhat was missing in my life last year while my bed had its clutches around me was my creative spirit. I had allowed the voice of critics--my own--to discourage me. I had allowed myself to forget that I love to make things, learn new processes and make my own world a more delightful place.
I am so glad that I had to opportunity to attend Spark! and remember what I had known all along.
I am a creative soul, and any way that I create is imperfectly perfect.
