So- My friend Brook asked me a question yesterday. "What is the SHIFT you have to make?" I've thought about this for a few days. I'm not completely sure that I have the full answer but I'm going to start. Perhaps there are a few other people that can relate or are needing a "shift" of their own.
I'm that girl that was never an athlete. I'm the girl that wasn't fast as a kid, so I had no value. I am that girl that grew before everyone else. I was always one of the biggest kids so I always felt fat--so funny now-all 5'4" of me! I wasn't ever picked at the beginning of kickball- usually towards the end. I'm the one that had horrible Mrs. Parrish as a Jr. HS PE teacher. She stole generations of girl's inner athlete. I was the girl that the awful teacher kept on the floor trying to shoot a free throw basket-- and missing-- while everyone else watched. I wasn't the only one this happened to. It is just my story.
I went through HS not playing sports, except at church. Where actually, I was pretty decent, church athletics didn't count as real, however. I was on the track team for one season. I finished in races with slow times. I felt like a failure. Never once did a coach offer to teach me or work with me to improve.
Fast forward twenty or so years. A husband, mortgage, four children and a very wide backside were all mine. Throw in there some mild depression and you have a pretty accurate picture of me about 8 years ago. My husband and I joined a gym. I started going very regularly, dropping my bonus baby off at the provided daycare. I wandered around from elliptical to weight machines. I would walk past the group classes too scared to join. After a year I got brave and started the spin(stationary bicycle) class! I loved and hated it. It was brutal. It was so, so hard that sometimes it would start to jar crazy emotions loose. Life stuff. I remember once having a really hard time emotionally in a class, after class the teacher actually asked me if I was ok! I told her the exercise brought out raw emotions about situations with my then 13 year old daughter. During this time I joined the gym's boot camp. It was awful and wonderful! I also started dabbling in running. Then I started experiencing awful plantar fasciitis.
Fast forward a year or two and we had switched gyms. I was heavier than ever. Was finally getting over the horrible foot pain that had made any weight bearing painful. I finally started going to the group classes and it clicked. I liked the misery of a really hard workout. I started to get stronger and drop a bit of weight. I continued working out with this group of women for the next couple of years. One friend was the trainer. She was the leader and the boss! We all progressed. I lost enough weight that I felt better in my own skin!
Enter Crossfit. About five of us started it together. We all did this for about five months. Then those friends decided to not continue. I decided to stay-- by myself. It was very scary to me because I knew no one and I was such a beginner in what seemed (still does) a very intimidating group. Over the course of the next three years I improved. That isn't to say I was amazing or would win any prizes. Far from that! Truth , I have always been close to the weakest and the slowest at every workout. Most days I was ok with it. Other days I felt like that girl in gym class. I created this in my head. I was always accepted.
Two summers ago I was invited to run my first Ragnar relay. Scared to death describes me. I loved it! For six years or more I had had the desire to run a half marathon. I even mentioned it in our annual Christmas card! It seemed like such a big accomplishment for a non-athlete like myself. I decided that if I could run three legs over thirty-three hours I could probably run that half marathon!! I decided to continue and trained for a half marathon. A friend ran with me and it was hard!!! Yet, I loved it.
The day after my race a huge family situation happened that shook me to my core. I stopped running cold turkey. I barely coped with regular life.
I continued with crossfit and still loved it. The next spring brought with it a desire to run again. So, I was entered on our Ragnar team again. I knew that I could do a harder leg. I ran what I thought was enough to prepare for my longer leg. In hind sight I was not prepared for the length. I ended my third Ragnar leg unable to run at all. My leg/knee would not go.
I figured some aggressive therapy and a few days off would be enough. I signed up for Sole Sisters. The day I pressed "join" I went for my first run since Ragnar. I made it a mile before I couldn't continue. I was crushed. I was unable to run for months. I had a case of IT band syndrome.
I continued with Crossfit.
Crossfit was such a strange place for me--non athlete girl! I often felt very weak. Physically and mentally. I continued to go because when I let myself, I felt strong. I was doing things that were HARD. I could lift more than I used to be able to! I could do a kipping pullup, a handstand pushup(kind of), I knew terms like cleans, deadlift, Turkish get ups, squat, snatch, etc. I usually felt like I belonged. Yes, I was one of the older members-not the oldest, I was one of the slower and weaker members, but I belonged. I was sweating and working just like everyone else was. We were all in this weird misery together. I felt like an athlete.
Life continues to move along as it does for everyone. My kids are geting older and are busier than ever. Christmas rolls around and I started to have the desire to run again. Joining the online ladies running group Sole Sisters sounded fun. Then the opportunity to run the Ogden Half was given to me. I had always wanted to run another half. I think that most people get the bug and want to do it again! To improve--or just to prove something. Not sure which I was after?
Life with a husband, mortgage, four children, church leadership positions, job, etc. makes for a busy life. I have been blessed that I have been able to be a stay at home mom for many years. I have had the luxury of having flexibility in my schedule.
When I decided to run my second half marathon I fully expected to continue going to Crossfit three days a week. I feel that the strength training is so important. I did this very well, until I wasn't doing it well at all.
In March my daughter(almost 21) got engaged. This was unexpected(should not have been--mother denial). My Mom has had ongoing health issues and lives four hours away. I've made numerous trips to help her. My bonus baby( 9 now) had to have eye surgery.
These are just a few of the many, many things that started to get in my way. I kept having scheduling conflicts with one thing and another thing. I was finding that I was just stretched too thin.
I have been training for this half marathon solo. That is good and that is bad. Good because I need to be able to run by myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do hard things--alone! Bad because I have no one to help me stay motivated or to hold me responsible--except ME!
During this training I have had some very difficult runs. It was as if I had never run or exercised in my life. I would find myself so angry and upset at myself.
Over the course of my training I started to realize that I had some very negative energy tied up in running because of the events surrounding my first half. That was a big realization. After that I thought I had it figured out. I had some great runs. Then more negative. I had started to wear my Garmin. It showed me exactly how slow I was. Then some more very bad runs.
This brings me to my current situation. I have three weeks until my half marathon. I am feeling scared. My friend Brook asked my a very serious question---"What is the shift that I need to make to be successful?"
I looked ahead at the next three months of my life. I have a full calendar. I have a half marathon in three weeks. My kids will be out of school in four weeks. We have four different camps-three church, one football, three family vacations, baseball, Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay, a three week humanitarian trip for my son( Dominican Republic-he will be building a school), and a WEDDING!
All of that and that doesn't include any laundry, dishes, church responsibilities, swimming lessons, yard work, bedroom painting or toilet cleaning!!! To say the least, I am feeling frazzled. So frazzled that I have been letting everything slide. Barely holding anything together.
So? What is the shift that I am going to have to make to be successful? I made a very difficult decision to suspend my Crossfit membership for the summer. I have to drive 20+ minutes to get to my class. I realistically will be gone about two weeks out of each of the next few months. That makes it so that I am not attending enough, which then makes me very stressed because I am wasting money.
As I made this decision I started to cry. I found my stolen athlete girl at Crossfit. I was able to mostly stop the voices of the past that told me I was not enough. I have many dear friends at our class. We love each other, but our main connection is our class time.
Making this decision is still weighing heavily on me. However, I know that this is necessary and probably a hidden blessing. Perhaps I can let more of athlete girl out? Perhaps I will break some more hidden barriers? Perhaps I will experience more--whatever MORE happens to be?
Finding what my "SHIFT" is, has taken a twisted ankle, a good cry with the cows and a few days.
I am hoping that the shift sticks and that Negative Nellie that was planted so many years ago can be
quieted as capable Athlete Girl comes out to play.
Onward!
Rose
p.s. I have also decided that I must leave the watch at home--it is like having horrible Mrs. Parrish yelling at me!!
