Letters

Oftentimes I feel like I want to write and then I just don't make the time to do it. This week has been one of those weeks. Numerous things have happened that I have felt I should write about.

A week ago my sweet friend and neighbor Michele's sister passed away. She was only 37 years old. It was sudden. There was no illness or accident. She played with her family during the day and that evening told her husband she hurt and then was gone.

I am blessed to know Michele and her parents. I have met this sister a time or two. However, this loss has just shaken me. I really didn't know Natalie. Yet I know that Natalie has left behind a husband and three very young children. The youngest is only two.

My heart just aches for these little children. Will they ever truly know how much their Momma loved them? Will they always wonder what she felt about them?

A few years ago when Anne Peterson died I had many of the same feelings. Her family was so young. They knew she was going to die, however. I wonder if that made it so that she thought about saying those important things. I know that she made a point of having pictures with her children.

If I died tomorrow would my children know how I feel about them? Would they know that I would do anything to help them? Do they know that I love them more than life itself? Would they be able to find a picture of me with them? All the little stories that are locked inside my heart-are they written down anywhere? I have work to do.

If I am very honest I don't think that my children would really understand how I feel about them. I don't know that a child can understand that until they have children of their own. However, during this last week I have had the impression more than once that I need to write letters to my children. These are letters that I will not give them now. Hopefully, they are letters that they can all have when I am old, old. I am going to start writing my children letters and putting them into a special box. I hope that they don't ever have to grow up without me, but if they do, I want them to be able to have a letter from me telling them what treasures they are to me.

As I write this I feel like maybe I should write them more letters that they can read now. The problem that I have with this is that often my children look at me like I have lost my mind when I talk about emotions and feelings. They also react to me telling them what I feel is important by saying I am preaching to them.

Not quite sure what or how, but I know that I must write down these feelings for my children. I know that I would love to have one letter from my Dad that told me how he felt about me.

For now I get another day with my children and husband. Every single day needs to be treated as a blessing. These people in my life need to know that I feel that THEY are MY BLESSINGS.

Another Birthday! September 30th

(1972-my 4th birthday)

I had a birthday. September 30th. I am now 43! It looks strange to see that number but not terribly strange to be it! I am at that point in my life that I remember very vividly my parents at these ages. How am I old enough to now be there myself?

I now have a child in college, high school, middle school and elementary school. I have been married the same amount of time I was single(moving to the other side of that), I have lived in my "new house" for ten years and every wall needs painted. My Dad has been gone for 23 1/2 years. I have clothes older than some of my children. My sweet husband buys me new camera lenses and takes me to dinner.

I don't really have a hard time with birthdays. I don't really get too worked up about getting older. However, it is still a very strange reality when I look at all the experiences I have now had in my life.

Strange to remember that I was ever that little girl in the picture with the little Thumbalina doll(which I still have), with all my brothers and sister and my Daddy in the picture.

First Day of Kindergarten 2010!

Hey My Little Man? Who said that you could grow up and go to kindergarten? I am not sure I am ready for you to go. You and I have been great buddies these last almost six years. We have gone everywhere together. You have been my shopping buddy, my nap buddy, my laundry buddy. You have been there as we go to help in the others classrooms, to take the others to their football, dance, tennis and a miriad of other activities. You have spent countless hours in the suburban being hauled around taking care of things.

What will I do without you?

You have been a complete joy to me. Okay, I might not feel that way when I realize that you went to the bathroom in the heater vent or on the floor in the hall or all over the tires of my car! However, all in all you have been a delight and a joy to spend my time with these last five years ten months and ten days! You are the little spot of joy that we were not expecting. I have always called you "our little bumper baby!" What a blessing you have been. There is something interesting that happens in a family when a bumper baby comes along. You are almost five years younger than Em. That is quite a large gap in child years. When you came along there were no other babies in the house. Everyone was old enough to instinctively understand that there is something so sweet and wonderful about a new baby. You were that new baby. You have been loved and doted on. Daddy would say that you have been spoiled!

If loving a sweet little angel boy is spoiling than I am guilty as charged. You have been loved on from everyone in this family since the moment you were born. I have often told Ash that she needs to get all the hugs and kisses she can--they go away much too soon. I am so glad that at almost six years old you are still so willing to hug, kiss and cuddle with me and your brother and sisters.

When you were born I knew that you were the last baby that would come to this family. I had already been blessed with three other wonderful yummy babies that grew up much, much too fast. Because of this, I promised myself that I would try to cherish each new development with you.

I have held you and held you---sometimes much longer than you would like- "Mom, let me go!" I have smelled your head and counted the little polka dots on your neck. I have tucked you into bed with a thousand kisses. I have watched as you have grown and grown. It seems that that just happens.

Today as you excitedly got ready for your first day of school I looked at you with a longing. A longing that I know every mother in the world understands. A longing to hold you just a little longer. A longing to smell your baby neck. A longing to have your chubby little fingers wrapped around mine a little longer. A longing to be the most important person in your world a little longer. A longing that never really ever goes away.

As you ate your breakfast you told me you wanted to ride the bus. "What?" Don't you know that I had planned to take you to school, walk you in to the school holding your hand, making it look like I was helping you? In truth, that walk is for the Momma's. We all want to be able to hold your hand as long as possible because from now on out there will always be other people. I will no longer be the only one that can help you. It is the first day of slowly being replaced.

I know that this replacement is the natural way that we grow and develop. I know that truly I can never be "replaced", however, from now on you are part of a bigger circle. A circle that gets bigger and bigger for you but I will forever be slightly on the edge watching you. Forever on the edge praying for you. Forever on the edge hoping that all the hugs and kisses, wiped noses and bums, the prayers that I have helped you say, the prayers that I have prayed for you, the books I have read to you will be enough to guide you when I am not with you. I have always been close by, you could turn around and I would be there. I hope that I have given you enough for when I am not there.

My sweet little angel boy. You have been a blessing to me.

Now let's just work on not peeing on the floor!

Love, Mom

Forever a little farther away.

Best Buds

(we went to have lunch with Daddy before the big day-Daddy chose a brand new McDonalds especially for this date)

Mother's Day 2010

Happy Mother's Day Mom!



I was blessed to have lots of lovely flowers to brighten my day! E and J hiked the mountain and came back with lovely wildflowers-just for me. Big Daddy brought me a lovely bouquet with pink roses, lilies and other beautiful things.

I am a lucky girl.

(someday I might write about how conflicted I am about such holidays--just not today)

Thankful hands 2009

For the last approximately 10 years we have had one traditional November Family Home Evening activity. Last year it slipped---I knew that I couldn't let that happen again.

The Thankful Turkey Hands

We have had the kids trace their hand and then write the things that they are thankful for. My two older kids are starting to bawk at this tradition, hence it not happening last year. They started to complain and I told them that they would do it because it wasn't fair to the Little man to stop a tradition just because they are getting older---he deserved to have the tradition as well. I then told them that I have saved every single year and some day they will enjoy going back and comparing the things that they wrote. MissA was surprised at this. I told her that hers will probably be the funniest to look at in five to ten years!

More

This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving. THANKSGIVING---already?! With this realization I have been thinking beyond that to Christmas. I have really been pondering how to bring the True Spirit of Christmas into our home. I work and worry about this every year. I think that we have done okay at it.

I want more. I want to really feel love, kindness, service and joy. I want my children to do some things that they will remember forever. I want experiences for my family.

What are those experiences that will bring a change upon us?

We have helped gather food for the food banks before, valuable--very, but I think that a basket of food taken somewhere doesn't really hit their hearts.

I have never helped at a shelter. I wonder if we are ready for that. What type of service could we provide. Hats, gloves?

We have many widows in our neighborhood. I know that they are terribly lonely, and it is so much harder during the holidays. What are some ways that we could truly serve these people?

How can we serve each other inside our own home? I struggle daily with this. I serve constantly, I am the Mom. Mr. Sugar Daddy serves, he is the Daddy. What about the children? I want them to be able to step outside of their own little world that revolve around them and look around. What could be done to serve? How do I go about helping to instill this?

These are the thoughts that have been flooding my mind. Now to get them from my mind to paper to fruition.

Release Day

Today was a day that almost three years ago I could not have imagined. My sweet husband was released as Bishop of his single adult ward. We have known today was the day for two weeks. I knew that he would be sad and emotional. I knew that it would be a difficult day for D. I had no idea how difficult it would be for myself or my children.

Early yesterday, D met with the new Bishop for four hours, trying to explain three years of experiences into that short time. It was an impossible task. We then attended a wedding, bought gifts and went to empty out his office at the church. I was not prepared. Taking down pictures that have greeted everyone who entered that office in the last three years. It was rough.

Today came with a feeling of sadness. As I entered the building I was fully aware that this was the end of an incredible experience, an experience that we never imagined. An experience that can not really be explained in words. We met with the group of people that served together. It was hard. We then met with the stake presidency, this was even harder. They said many kind things.

As we were preparing for Sacrament meeting I watched my sweet husband walk in his office, push his chair under the desk and lay his keys on the desk and walk out. He never looked back.

As the meeting began I walked in the chapel and saw unfamiliar families sitting in the chapel pews. I remember how I felt that day, three years ago. I was so worried about myself and how I would handle this challenge. Three years have flown by. This calling has been one of the choicest experiences of my life. It wasn't always easy or fun for me. I often felt left out and not a part of D's world. I often had to stay home and be the Mom. However, as I sat in that chapel I knew that I had been blessed by this experience in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

After the meeting was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. We talked, hugged, cried and said goodbye. How do you express to people in a hug what they have meant to you? I watched all of my children struggle with their emotions as I struggled with my own. I hugged people that I have loved. It wasn't hard to love them.

We walked out of that building that we so hesitantly entered three years ago. We left with changed hearts, having served and loved and having been loved in return.

My Little Man

It is 9:00 a.m. on Friday. It is yoga day. Where am I? Here at the computer in my gym clothes. Why? Because my precious little guy just doesn't want to wake up. I tried gently awhile ago and looked at him and decided to let him sleep. He was laying there with both hands up to his cheek looking just like a little angel. I had to take a mental picture and burn it in my heart because he is growing so fast.


He will be five in a few weeks. FIVE YEARS OLD! How did that happen? He has already started to become big. Unfortunately, he has heard older children use the sarcastic term "whatever" much too often and he has begun to use it. Of course, I am trying to teach him not to but it is difficult. He has also just recently started to try and get away without buckling his seat belt. All of these types of behaviors are because he is getting bigger and spreading his wings. For me, however, it is the beginning of the end. The end of his babyhood. The end of me being the mother of a little one. This little guy is my last baby. He is my bumper baby, my extra bonus. We didn't expect to be blessed with my last two children. We are so glad that this little boy came along. He has brought so much joy.


There is a larger space between the Little Man and MissE than there was between the others(although there is a big space between all of them-3 1/2 years). Because of this space there has been a definite difference. My oldest was 11 years old when he was born. She has loved this little guy so intensely. I believe because she was older she has been privileged to experience some special bonding that I don't think happens when children are very close in age. There has never been any competition between them, only love.


This little guy is still very willing to give hugs and kisses, or "huggles" as we like to call them. He still snuggles on our laps and still tells us he loves us whenever we need some attention. He still wakes up in the morning with that smell, that smell that just makes you want to hug and hold them. I think that it must be something that makes us feel closer to heaven. Just like when they were newborns. For some, this wears off early, others seem to hold onto it a bit longer. I am grateful that this little guy has been able to keep it. It helps keep this Momma a bit more grateful for the blessing of these beautiful little ones that I have been loaned for awhile.


Yoga can wait.

Easter Morning!

The Easter Bunny made it to our house. He had new rules this year--color coded egg hunt. Pink egg-E

Purple-A

Green-M

Blue-Little Man

It was so much fun to watch the little ones run around finding their colors-even helping the others find theirs. They realized that there were orange and yellow also-so they got to find those as well. I didn't take too many pictures-not one of M. Sometimes I have to make a conscious choice to just be IN the moment instead of trying to save it for later.

I did decide that when I am a grandma that I want to be one of those grandma's that has a huge Easter Party-with hundreds of eggs for the kids to find. I want traditions that they will remember when they are grown. I think that sometimes things like an egg hunt might seem silly but these are the moments that we remember forever.

I am a Lucky Girl!

I am really a pretty lucky girl. I have Mr. Sweetness. He takes pretty good care of me. Today, for example we were preparing for our neighborhood party. However, I had some Christmas shopping that I needed to do before a gift certificate and coupon expired. Usually I shop alone(or with #4). Mr. Sweetness doesn't enjoy shopping. He thinks that most things that we purchase are a colossal waste of time and money.

Today he went with me! I know, a miracle! We went to the big bad Kohl's store. As we entered we found that there was a special early bird sale going on, therefore there was a horrendous line. We found the things that we needed and went to stand in line. Being the lucky girl that I am, Mr. Sweetness stood in the line while I finished shopping. HE STOOD IN THE LINE!

After we finally made our way out of Kohl's we headed for Costco. On the way there he pulls into a specialty sporting goods store. "Why are we here?" I ask. "To buy you some shoes" He says. He knew that I needed a really good pair of water/sand type shoes(my bad feet) to take on our upcoming cruise. He also knew that I would look at the catalog and never get myself to the store to try them on. So, he took me there himself!

I told you that I was lucky.

Five Things

Five things I am grateful for on a beautiful fall morning!

1. My Mom is a singer--not a professional type, a silly-make songs out of nothing crazy type of singer. I sang to my 12 year old birthday boy today.(he doesn't appreciate it yet!)
2. Music that lifts my soul.
3. A dishwasher.
4. Sweet morning hugs from one little 3 year old
5. Changing leaves.

Time Out for Women

I am a very blessed girl. Friday and Saturday I got to go spend time with my dearest friend. We went shopping, to lunch and then to a wonderful women's conference called
Time out for Women. This is primarily an LDS faith gathering of women. It was fabulous! The speakers were outstanding. Very thought provoking and reassuring.

Now to use what I learned in my real life!

Here are some highlights that I took away from this experience.

*Life is a Gift
*God Loves ME
*God is a Loving Father--a Papa
*Up is down-down is up
*Bless and Release
*We can take U-turns
*Peacemakers
*Jeru Selamat-Expert of Peace-Jesus Christ
*Don't underestimate the power of a moment
*5 split seconds of Joy a day!
*CPR-Caring PLUS Response
*Open our eyes
*Open our hearts
*Pray
*Contribute
*Act
*Our Eternal quest is to help our children become disciples of Christ.
*My job is to love THEM-not Make Them love ME.
*Lighten up and Forgive everyday---this frees up your mind.
*Today could be the day that changes your life!
*You're Best is good enough!
*Don't sleep when you are getting instruction!
*Three lessons to lead a Happy Life--
1.Forgiveness 2. Trust in the Lord 3. Keeping Covenants

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to get away and go to this conference. I hope that it filled my bucket enough that I can be a better Mom, Wife and daughter of God.

I Do It Myself!

Little Man yelled "help me turn it on Mom!" "I cook my breakfast by myself"

I help him push the time on the microwave and then I walk into the other room. I hear the beep, so I come to get his pot pie out of the oven.

This is what I found , Little man standing on the oven, microwave door open, two oven mitts on his little hands and his pot pie carefully being removed from the oven!

I guess my "Little Man" isn't so little anymore!

Sunshine!

Today is a beautiful, sunny day! I had to share a doodle that I hope will brighten your day. Sometimes coloring is the best thing for you!

Happy 18th Anniversary!

Happy 18th Anniversary!

I can hardly believe that it has been 18 years! That is longer than I lived full time in my parent's home!

I love you, Sweetie!

Little Blessings!

"Today is kisses." Little boy said as he climbed into bed with me.

I am so lucky! It will definately be a good day!

Perspective

The ordinary acts we practice

everyday at home are of

more importance to the

soul than their simplicity

might suggest.

-Thomas Moore

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

We have decorated eggs, the bunny brought surprises and now we are on a chocolate high!

Life is Good!

Sweetness!

This Boy Makes Me Smile!

The End of an Era

My friend Lara at The Lazy Organizer has a little thing she does on Tuesday's. She (or anyone that links to her) tells about something interesting(at least to them).

My little guy is three years old. He has been an absolute joy. A few weeks ago I decided that he was way past ready to be out of the crib. My other children were out of the crib much earlier because they were climbing out. This little guy NEVER climbed out. Well, we did it. We put the big boy bed in the room and then it took a few weeks before the crib was removed. However, not one more night was spent in that crib! I thought he might have a bit of hesitation. NONE!

So, I have been thinking about this. This is the last time this crib will be used for my babies. It has been part of our lives for almost fifteen years. My Inlaws purchased it for us with the first baby. It has been a wonderful crib. We have used it in four different locations. Four different babies. Off and on for the past fifteen years it has been part of our decor. Taking it apart this time signified the end of an era. No more floppy newborns, no more 2am feedings. No more stretching the sheet over the mattress(they are the hardest things to get on). No more little ones yelling, "Mama, I wake". This crib has been a symbol of the sweetest, yummiest little babies that have been sent from heaven to this family. Babies are the closest thing to heaven on this earth.

I will be missing those babies.