Passing of Time

(Warning-Mom-you will cry when you read this. Get a tissue or skip it)

   Back in February we had a dance recital for Miss Emily. It was on Saturday. We did this and that before we needed to have her to Layton. We watched the entire recital(I actually fell asleep during some of it!

   We went home and then just did normal everyday Saturday things. Laundry, dishes, tinkering. It was a pretty average, uneventful Saturday.

   Sunday morning I startled awake realizing that the date for this Sunday morning was February 12th. That means that the day before was February 11th.

   Twenty four years ago on February 11th my Dad tragically took his own life. Life for our family has been permanently altered and sent on a different path than it was on before.

   I remember thinking that I would never ever have a year that I wouldn't think about my Dad's death on the day he died. I would always remember and always call my Mom.

   On this February 11th day, twenty four years later I forgot.

   At first realization I was shocked and saddened that I had forgotten. Then a feeling came over me that I am grateful for. I had the strongest feeling that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Living my life. Watching my daughter dance. Making lunch, dinner and doing dishes. I had a very, very ordinary day.

   I don't think that a day has ever passed that I don't think of my Dad. I have pictures of him in my house. I see things while driving that remind me of him. I say things that I learned from him. However, these things are almost always about his LIFE not his death.

   I think that my Dad would be glad that I had this day. That I have been able to have a life, a good life. I am not healed from his death, but the scab has healed nicely. It rarely bleeds anymore. Even more rarely is the scab ripped off and left raw and gapping. I am grateful for this, it is hard to LIVE when one is raw and bleeding all the time.

   I decided that perhaps the lesson that I learned from February 11, 2012 is that I want to remember my Dad for his life not his tragic death. I want to celebrate all the wonderful, ordinary days that I got to spend with my Dad.

   Those are the blessings.

Spring!!!

Today the little man came home early from school. He wanted to go on a walk.

SPRING IS COMING!

It was a glorious walk! Winter is long, much too long. It was wonderful to be out in the bright beautiful sunshine. Snow is melting all around making dripping, running noises and lots of puddles. There is a smell to spring. Hard to describe but distinct all the same! Birds were all around. Everything just feels like it is waking up from it's long dark slumber.

It was as if a door was swung wide open and my soul was released from its dark imprisonment!

Spring, wonderful glorious spring!!!

Numbers on the scale

Seems like I never quite come to this little spot. I think about it a lot. I think about things to write. Then I go and fold more laundry!

Truthfully, the winter season is often rough on me. The lack of sunlight just about does me in. I have done ok this season. Other factors in my life have been frustrating. Just normal life things.
This season the "winter blues" has been different than other years in my life. I have been exercising a lot. I started to really hit the exercise last winter with my fabulous friends. They are still fabulous.

I didn't lose one pound in a year. NOT ONE POUND!. I exercised 4-6 days a week and really watched closely what I ate. Food journal, the whole enchilada. Nothing changed.

Just before Christmas we started a new exercise program-first it was a bootcamp with friends doing serious interval and tabata training. Then in December we started a program called Crossfit.

Suddenly my weight shifted. AFter a year of nothing I dropped 10 pounds in a few months. I have now been holding steady for a couple months. Interestingly it is still such a huge thing. Every single day I think and worry about my weight. I get on the scale with apprehension. EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Today I was reading a blog I have followed for years. She is struggling with her weight and healthy lifestyle. Today she decided to pass on getting on the scale. It seems to affect her attitude about herself and she is struggling.

I am not much of a commenter--I did today. This weight/healthy living stuff is hard. Such a mind game. I am totally fascinated by the mind-body connection that happens with people. My favorite shows are the weight loss ones like "Biggest Loser" and "Heavy". I just want to understand what it is that helps people make the big connections in their lives to get their health back.

This is what I wrote on Cathy's blog post.

The scale controlling our self worth is so damaging. I have always struggled with this.

Interesting thing happened to me the other day. I was walking into the store for medicine(stupid flu bug). My brain said to me--"are you a different person inside now that you are thinner?" I answered myself "no, not really"

For me one of the key factors of this "health" journey is to understand where and why. I am actually at a weight I have not been to in 20+years. It is fun. I feel strong. It is more fun to buy pants. However, I am also at a point that the crazies often creep in.

Today I was at my workout pushing myself hard. Doing things I have never done in my life. I was using heavy weights and doing assisted pullups. The problem? I kept looking at my friend do unassisted pullups and I started to beat myself up because I am not making very much progress doing them myself. I forgot that not too long ago I couldn't even do one assisted pullup, I couldn't run very far, I couldn't do a wall handstand and I had never lifted a weight bar in my life,much less lifted quite heavy weights many times!

The key to this healthy lifestyle is not always that perfect number on the scale. It is knowing when you are trying hard. Feeding your body healthy food, resting when needed and having a better attitude towards oneself. If you honestly know that you are being good to your body through good food and exercise and not sabotaging yourself with unhealthy patterns,(honesty can bite) than give yourself a break.

Now if only I can remember this!

Garth Rose 1946-2011

It has been an entire month I have put off writing about my Uncle Garth's death. I guess it is time.

My Uncle Garth is my Mom's baby brother. He is the youngest of nine children. My Mom tells the story of when Garth was born. In those days no one talked about pregnancy, so my Mom and two other younger siblings had no idea what was happening when the taxi(yes-a taxi in our tiny, tiny town) came and took their parents to the hospital. My Mom-Veda Mae(7), Uncle Ronnie(6), and Aunt Verla(4) hid in my grandparents closet "howling" because they thought their mother was dying! They were all pleasantly surprised when the new baby brother was brought home.

My Mom and her sister and seven brothers have always been close. However, I personally witnessed my Mom and Uncle Garth's relationship get stronger twenty three years ago. Twenty three years ago on Friday my Dad succumbed to a serious depression and committed suicide. He was forty six years old. My Mom was forty nine. I was nineteen.

To say the least, it was a horrible, difficult time. I am the youngest of four. I was attending college. My sister lived in Utah, my oldest brother Royce was married and Vance was working nonstop. Mom was alone-a lot. This was a time before cell phones and 24/7 connections! Over the course of the next two years I called my Mom--constantly. I needed it, she needed it. However, often when I called she wouldn't be home. I always worried. I automatically called Uncle Garth and Aunt Ann's house. Nine out of ten times she was there. Many times a week I would call and they had just been by with some food. I think that my Aunt Ann's food was the only real food my Mom ate for two years.

As time always does it slowly moved passed those initial first dark years. In April of 1990 I married my sweetheart. We married in the Idaho Falls LDS Temple. I asked Uncle Garth to be my witness. He carried my wedding dress in for me, accidentally dragging the bottom on the ground. The nice ladies cleaned it for me!

Time continued to move along. Uncle Garth's kids got older, married, had children, as did we. We have always spent Thanksgiving together with some or all of us at my Mom's house.

Uncle Garth started having health issues when he was thirty one with his first heart attack. He struggled through many, many surgeries over the years.

About five years ago we went on a cruise with my Mom, Aunt Ann, Uncle Garth and numerous of their friends. There are memories from that trip I will treasure in my heart forever.

One night on the cruise there was a dance party by the pool. Most of our group was sitting around the edge. I will never forget Uncle Garth going out on that dance floor and dancing with me. I love the memory in my mind of that dance!

Uncle Garth always had a twinkle in his eye. He was a big kid at heart. He had the ability to make anyone feel comfortable. Whenever I saw Uncle Garth I knew he was glad to see me, his eyes twinkled and he would say "How are ya, Sis?" and I felt loved.

Shortly after our cruise Uncle Garth's health took a drastic turn for the worse. With the years of heart problems his kidney's finally gave out. He had to begin dialysis. Three times a week for at least three hours. For four years Garth went to dialysis. He also did lots of other things. He was Mayor of St. Anthony, golfed with his boys, visited family and was the best grandpa ever. Rarely during those four years did he complain. He endured almost twenty surgeries.

Last fall things started to get more difficult. Infection in his knee made it necessary for another surgery and necessitated him going to a care facility.

Thanksgiving 2010 my Mom's kitchen was torn up. It was the first Thanksgiving in thirty years we didn't spend it together. I felt the change.

The week after Christmas Garth had more difficult news from his doctors. The infection wasn't going away and he would need immediate surgery to continue dialysis. Garth made the difficult decision to discontinue dialysis. He was tired.

I was in Idaho visiting. I had originally not been going to come because of a wedding. However, I had a feeling that I needed to go and visit with Uncle Garth. I will forever be grateful that I listened to that prompting. Dave came up quickly and we said our goodbyes. Such a strange process, talking about the funeral with Garth. Garth asked Dave to play the piano and my Mom to speak.

I remember leaving the care facility knowing it was the last time I would see Uncle Garth. I remember hugging Wyatt, Chad and Sydni, my dearest, closest cousins, knowing they were losing their Dad. I have been there. I ached for them.

In the next few days word spread and hundreds of friends and family came to visit. It was a special yet difficult time for all of them. During the next week Uncle Garth and Aunt Ann asked my Mom if she would spend the night with Garth so Ann could get some rest. Mom was the only one that Garth would ask. Those nights will always be a sacred time shared between brother and sister.

My cousin Sydni is about seven years younger than me. She has always been like a baby sister-but better--we never had to share anything! On Sunday Jan. 9, I convinced Sydni to let me drive her from Utah to Idaho. Her Dad was close to the end and she needed to be there. Those four hours were a privilege for me. I had the strongest feeling that her Dad was waiting for her to get there.

When we arrived in Rexburg, I stopped suddenly and reached out to Sydni. I knew she was so upset and agitated. I told her that I had the calmest feeling. She looked at me and said she felt it too. We went in quickly, I told Uncle Garth I loved him and went to wait for my Mom. We went in together for a moment. I will always remember my Mom tenderly hugging her baby brother and giving him a kiss and him responding to her. Their bond was so, so strong.

We left and waited for the shuttle to take me home. As soon as Chad got there Uncle Garth passed away. He waited for all his children to gather around him.

I have been very blessed to have a close family. My Mom's siblings and all their children have an unusually tight bond. We are spread out all over, lead very different lives, we rarely see each other. However, when we get together you can feel the love that we share for each other.

As we said our final goodbyes at Uncle Garth's funeral I was just amazed at how lucky we all were to have had Uncle Garth in our lives.

The older I get the more difficult these partings are becoming. I looked around at the funeral-the reality of twenty or more funerals in the next years was very real. I am one of the youngest grandchildren.

Death is so strange. It hits us and rips us open, leaving a gaping, bleeding wound. Eventually the gaping hole stops bleeding and starts to heal. However, it never really heals completely. It leaves a permanent scab. Most of the time the scab is just a reminder, we run our hand over it and remember and move on. Other times, in unexpected moments the scab gets ripped off and we are brought to our knees in our grief again.

Perhaps this process helps us become kinder, more gentle people, knowing that all these people we hold dear are all on temporary loan. Perhaps the reason we experience death is to help us actually live more fully. Perhaps death helps us to recognize who and what is important.

Family, people and relationships--they are the most important and lasting things. In the end they are all that truly matters.

Trying to Focus and Finish is harder for me than it sounds. I get sidetracked with so many things that need done and so many things that don't NEED done! I get frustrated that I can't seem to motivate my children to use the laundry baskets or to pick up a towel. I can't even motivate them to move sometimes! I worry that they will grow up and not be functional citizens because they fight constantly and don't ever seem to find a need to do--well anything that looks like work!

When I look around at my house I often feel like a total failure. I see all the walls that need dusted, spackled and repainted. I see the tree that I have forgotten to water for three months with it's sad, droopy leaves falling off. I see my messy bulletin board that needs emptied. I see my yucky tile grout that has gone dark in some places. I see the picture frames that I bought two years ago, still empty and not on the wall. I see the wedding present--from September-still not delivered.

I look and see some mess or problem in every corner of my life.

Sometimes it really depresses me. I feel less than capable. I feel like a sloucher. I feel less than.

I am trying to not let that wave of thought overtake my life. I realize that lots of the messes that I deal with are just that "life". I am not the only one that deals with them. I am not alone with the frustration of raising children. I am not that picked on. In reality I know this. Most days. Some days it really is overwhelming, however.

I recently read a darling post by a gal that seemed to resonate with me. She has similar feelings of inadequacy and frustration. However, on this particular day she decided to write down little things that she is thankful for. Not just the big huge things like a house, job and food. She wrote about little details that in a few years will be lost in the crevices of her mind.

I decided that I need to do this as well.

Check out Shawnee's post here.

Perhaps Some Improvement

I pulled out Ruby tonight.

I have wanted to make some cookies for over a week to take to our recently released Bishop and our newly called Bishop. I also wanted to take some to my new visiting teaching sisters.

Then I got the dreaded flu-it wiped me out more than I thought. Then, I think I must be in that special spot of the month when I start to lose my mind. Anyway-I have avoided anything possible.

Tonight I pulled Ruby out. Much later than I normally would. Em has wanted to make cookies for a week as well. She would make something every single day. I can't deal with the messes that are created and not cleaned up!

We made the easiest pumpkin chocolate cookies in the world. A spice cake and a can of pumpkin(the small size-or 1/2 a large) and semi sweet chips! Mix and bake-*350 for 10 minutes!

Funny how this one little act seemed to lift my spirits. I really have been in a funk. Blame it on the changing seasons (lack of sunlight kills me) but I have felt very frustrated. Frustrated with everything. My list could go on and on.


*dirty everything
*everything needs painted
*nothing ever put away
*poor decorating
*messy--everything
*sassy children
*never ending laundry
*Christmas plans that haven't been started
*weight that won't cooperate

Bringing out Ruby didn't change any of those things--but for some reason it brightened my day. Maybe it is because I am giving them away. Service to others is the best way to forget ones own problems.

Perhaps I need to bring out Ruby a bit more often! If I can just keep my fingers out of the bowl!!

Hoarders Here we Come!

The other day Mitch and I sat and watched the program Hoarders. It is basically a show about people that have a real severe case of OCD where they can not get rid of things or they compulsively buy too much. They have usually been turned into the health department or turned in for some other public code violation. These houses are bad. I mean mounds and mounds of stuff on top of more mounds and mounds of stuff. So disgusting that it is hard to imagine anyone living in these homes.

When I was a girl my Mom often used this phrase in reference to us needing to clean our bedrooms, "you need a scoop shovel in here it is so deep". Well, I am here to officially say that I have never needed a scoop shovel to clean anything in my house! On this program they did use scoop shovels, and industrial sized dumpsters and face masks. It was really sad actually, because most of the people featured really did have a mental disorder that was the underlying factor to this utter filth.

Mitch watched with me in utter dismay. He kept making comments like, "how could anyone live like that?" "Why don't they do something about it?"

The comment that I jumped on was "our house could never get like that." Oh, really? I told him that our house could be the beginning stage of a hoarders episode within one month. That is why I am constantly asking them to pick up, dust, vacuum, doing laundry, taking mounds of stuff to the garbage and continually sending things to the DI(local thrift store).

I have actually been part of a couple of clean up efforts in my life that were close seconds to the Hoarders show. I learned all those years ago that anyone can get their life in a mess. It is a constant, every single day effort.

Today I have been doing some basic housecleaning. Things that no one notices unless they haven't been done in a long time. Dusting for example. Does anyone ever come in and notice that the house is freshly dusted? Not unless it was so dusty before that you could write in the dust--or there were cobwebs hanging all around.

What I discovered while dusting is that I ignore my piano room. It is a small sitting room as you walk into the house. We use this room for reading, playing the piano and housing the Christmas tree in December. I realized that in February when I took all the remaining Christmas decor from on top of the piano I never replaced it with the normal decor-which is a bunch of family pictures. It is now the end of September--I have had nothing on the piano for eight months!!! Should I put the pictures back up or leave it empty until Christmas again? Maybe some spooky Halloween decor?

I also discovered that when my children dust they really do a poor job!(surprise) The end table looked like it hadn't been dusted in months. I am wondering if it was dusted by me in February and not since. I also discovered that my children like to stash things instead of putting them away. My #3 child is the worst at this. I found a complete (dirty) outfit stashed behind a row of photo albums, empty pop cans under the chair and an electric fish tank stashed behind the chair. All of these items had been given instructions to be put away. I usually add to that command---"in the appropriate place." Somehow I think that my children have misunderstood what exactly the appropriate place is!

So here I am at 2:26 in the afternoon, still in my gym clothes that I put on at 4:30 a.m. I have been cleaning and decluttering for hours. However, if you walked into my house you would never know that I had done a thing today.

Just trying to keep one step ahead of the authorities! Please don't turn me in the next time you visit!

Please do not repeat!

I have been taking a photo class online. It has been great getting me to organize and become personal with my pictures again. The pictures that I have been sorting and such have been between 5-16 years old on average.



One of the things that I have noticed is that THERE WAS NO STYLE IN THE 90's! Women's clothing was horribly ugly! It had no shape, no style, no design. I have never been a rail thin person but I have also never been an obese person either. Every single picture of me in the 90's I look like I am at least 50 pounds overweight--just because the clothes had no style and were HUGE. The t-shirts were square boxes, with the shoulders coming to our elbows and the bottom coming to our knees! Why did anyone think that overalls were cute?(I did not wear these--way too hippy for those!) Jumper dresses for adult women. There were no cute waistlines, collars or even cute details. It was the frumpiest era of clothing EVER!

Grateful

We went to dinner tonight with our dear friends. They are slightly older than us so their youngest child is now eighteen. As we were visiting over dessert the conversation turned to one of my children. This child is going(has been going for a very very long time) through a very difficult stage. This mother is NOT handling it well at all. Today was one of those difficult days. I did not win any mother of the year awards today. In fact, I won " scary, mentally crazy person who needs medication" award of the year.

Tonight, these friends listened to me. They didn't have any real answers. They just listened and validated me and my frustrations.

They have survived longer than we have, maybe I will as well.

A little bit lost

For three years my family has participated in Family Home Evening on Monday nights with the singles ward. We have had spiritual lessons, gone skeet shooting, carved pumpkins, eaten corn dogs, ice skated, played lots of games and basically had a wonderful time. There have always been at least 20 people-often many more.

Last night my little family of six did Family Home Evening by ourselves. We went bowling. It was very different to be just our little group.

I am certain that we will have these lost feelings for a very long time.

Who has the time?

I often hear the expression "I am bored". If it is offered by my children I always tell them that there is plenty of work that can be done.

What about all the other people---older than 16? Bored? Who has time to be bored? Now, I get tired of doing the same laundry every week. I dislike shampooing muddy footprints from the carpet--again. But bored?

Here is a quick short list of all the things that I want to learn:
How to crochet a hat
How to crochet a flower for a hat
How to watercolor
How to do faux painting
How to really exercise
How to do photoshop
Digital scrapbooking
Photography
Gardening
Reading for more than four minutes
Jewelery making


These are just a few of the things that are on my mind lately, there are about thirteen million others.

Who has time to be bored, there are too many things to learn!!!!

Monday-bright and early

Monday. Today has started out on a very productive foot, which is really a very HUGE thing for me. I went to the gym at 5:00 am. That is amazing in and of itself. Luckily, I have a friend that has decided that she needs exercise as well and she has been coming to get me. It is so much more motivating when you know someone will be there for you--I am much better with this arrangement!

So, up at 4:30(fell back asleep till 4:45!)
Leave house at 4:50 am
boot camp abuse at gym
back home by 6:15 am
breakfast for me
wake children up
fold three loads of laundry by 6:30 am
start new load
load dishwasher
wash cookie sheets and mixer bowl(I forgot again-clean kitchen totally before going to bed!)
pick up dirty clothes
try to wake up MissE(nearly impossible, she needs 1 1/2 hours to wake up)
Wake up Mr. Sweetness(who is rarely still asleep at this time)
scripture study/prayer 7:20
Protein drinks fast for two
two kids leave for school 7:30
make my bed
make MissE's bed--just because(she can and does do it)
reawaken MissE-get her moving(like warming cold tar)
switch laundry
sort laundry
get breakfast in MissE
MissE to the bus 8:10
go on the search for the rest of dirty laundry
sort and switch again

It is 9:16 and I have accomplished a ton--I am so going to be a morning person some day!

An ounce of morning is worth a pound of afternoon.

The Step

We watch very little t.v. around here. I let the kids watch a bit here and there but I rarely watch anything. However, I really enjoy watching The Biggest Loser on NBC. This is the show about very overweight people trying to lose weight. Last night something on the show struck me---it really made me think.

This gal is working with the crazy trainer Jillian. She is working them HARD. She has a stool that she wants the gal to jump on. It isn't really that high, I have jumped on them when I was in my boot camp class. This is the low one, there are higher ones. This gal watched everyone else jump up on this step. Many of them are heavier than she is. She can't do it. She is absolutely freaked out by this step. She works on it on her own, others try and motivate her, help her, almost willing her to get her legs up enough that she is up on this step. She has done much harder things in the gym than this step, however, she is so stressed about this step.

Do we each have these steps in our lives? The things that we keep walking up to but just can't quite get ourselves to jump up on? I know that I do. Why do we do this to ourselves, especially when we CAN do these things. What is the mental block that stops us from achieving our goals. Where do these blocks come from? What are the steps to overcoming these blocks.

I think that the first step has to be recognition. I feel that many times we skirt around things. We just keep plugging along, doing all the things in this life that take up so much time and energy but don't add up to much satisfaction. I am not saying that we can stop doing many of these things because if I stop we don't have clean undies and those are important. However, maybe my focus needs to change. Instead of worrying and fussing about the laundry I should just do it as well as possible, and move on. Move on to something that gives me MORE.

More what? More joy and more satisfaction. More beauty and creativity. More Love and Kindness. More of things that really matter in life. Relationships with others. Service and devotion. Even better health.

I am going to get up on that step!

The truth

Hello,my name is Rosie and I am a whiner. I don't like to admit it. It makes me crazy that my kids whine. It annoys me when I hear other people whining. Yet, here in my own little twelve step program to recovery I am admitting that I am a whiner.

Today I called my dearest friend in the entire world. She is a saint. She isn't a saint because she has one husband, four children,three dogs, two goats, fourteen geese and a partridge in a pear tree. She is a saint because she listens to me whine. What do I whine about? The exact same thing that I have been whining about for the past eleven years of our friendship, shoes,laundry and dirty dishes. I need to get over this already!

Tomorrow I am going to call her and talk about something sparklie and beautiful. Something that is lovely and useless! I am going to try and not whine one time.

It will be hard!

There is a country song titled ME that cracks me up everytime I hear it. It is coming from the guys perspective about his girl and all that she talks about is her-her thoughts, friends, moods etc. This guy occasionally just wants to talk about ME.

Well, lately, that is how I have been feeling. However, I haven't had a minute to actually just talk about me. So I thought that I would make a list of all the things that I would like to write about but just haven't had the me time.

*my birthday ride in a Porsche
*snow on my birthday
*my new decorating purchase and the stealer deal!
*Laundry woes
*canning peaches
*my darling Halloween table runner from Becky for my birthday
*dirty floors
*painting walls
*projects to do during General Conference
*PMS
*weight gain/loss
*eating healthy
*having a daughter going to the homecoming dance-tonight
*driving too much
*yoga
*running-or lack of running
*Thoughts of Christmas and Christmas projects
*Winning a FREE ticket to Spark--a craft/scrapbooking/art/photography workshop!!!!

Maybe I will actually go into detail about some of these things. I will probably just go and work on the laundry and dirty dishes so that I can work on the fun Halloween sewing project I want to finish during conference!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Happy Birthday to me!

(my seventh birthday, in Logan, Utah where we were living for a school year. I got my very first transistor radio with a single earphone. I could get AM stations. I would listen to static filled ballgames. Oh, how I loved that radio!)

What about Thursday?

Thursday. What do I think of when I say Thursday? I think that it is almost the weekend. The weekends are usually a bit crazy around here with football games, church responsibilities and work outside to get ready for winter. So, Thursday-I evaluate where I am in my house ----

*laundry----Mt. Washmore=needs serious attention
*floors--all covered
*kitchen--always needs love(2:00pm is the best time to see my kitchen)
*bathrooms-if you visit, call first
*bedrooms--watch where you are walking

So--Thursday is a busy day, trying to get a bit further along with my everyday things.

This Thursday I am trying to stay on the bright side of my brain.

*I got to go shopping at fun boutiques yesterday
*I got a few happy treasures
*I spent time with my best friend
*I woke up feeling healthy
*I made a green smoothie for breakfast
*I am going to run today---hopefully energetically

Thursday is a good day!

Wonderings

I am a thinker or more accurately a wonderer. I wonder about a lot of things. Generally these things have to do with the human psyche. Why do we do the things that we do? It must be the hidden psychologist inside me trying to emerge. I have always thought that someday I might go back to college and get a counseling degree.

Today my wonderings are about myself and my brain. I am confused about the ebb and flow I so often experience. Why does my body/brain have to have so many ups and downs? I want to feel energetic, happy, positive and healthy more than not. I don't want to have a great day followed by lots of average or less than average days. I am trying to find that body/spirit connection as well as trying to find the proper way to fuel my body that makes it stronger and less prone to the ebb and flow. I don't feel like I am making any headway today.

Today, after I was disapointed on the scale, I literally forced myself to run. I managed two miles on the trail. I am glad I did it, but it was hard. I really just wanted to sit on my rear and do nothing. Yesterday I went to boot camp at the gym and really felt pretty good(except when I about passed out because I am a good breath holder). So-what is the difference?

I am really trying to eat healthy. I have almost completely cut out processed sugars, which means I hardly eat any bread, potatoes or rice. I am getting my greens and fruits and I am getting enough protein. I rarely eat artificial sweeteners. Is my ebb and flow literally inside my brain? Am I truly that sensitive that I am already being affected by the changing light just as the leaves are? I know that light sensitivity is real, I have dealt with it before, but usually I really feel it in January and February when winter's dark talons engulf me and I can't get free until spring.

I read. I read a lot. I know that exercise and healthy eating are the best ways to help cure almost any ailments. I KNOW THIS. I have been trying so hard to do this. So why the ebb and flow so often? Is the ebb and flow caused by my femaleness and if so how do I combat this without getting sucked into its dark undercurrent?

My Little Man

It is 9:00 a.m. on Friday. It is yoga day. Where am I? Here at the computer in my gym clothes. Why? Because my precious little guy just doesn't want to wake up. I tried gently awhile ago and looked at him and decided to let him sleep. He was laying there with both hands up to his cheek looking just like a little angel. I had to take a mental picture and burn it in my heart because he is growing so fast.


He will be five in a few weeks. FIVE YEARS OLD! How did that happen? He has already started to become big. Unfortunately, he has heard older children use the sarcastic term "whatever" much too often and he has begun to use it. Of course, I am trying to teach him not to but it is difficult. He has also just recently started to try and get away without buckling his seat belt. All of these types of behaviors are because he is getting bigger and spreading his wings. For me, however, it is the beginning of the end. The end of his babyhood. The end of me being the mother of a little one. This little guy is my last baby. He is my bumper baby, my extra bonus. We didn't expect to be blessed with my last two children. We are so glad that this little boy came along. He has brought so much joy.


There is a larger space between the Little Man and MissE than there was between the others(although there is a big space between all of them-3 1/2 years). Because of this space there has been a definite difference. My oldest was 11 years old when he was born. She has loved this little guy so intensely. I believe because she was older she has been privileged to experience some special bonding that I don't think happens when children are very close in age. There has never been any competition between them, only love.


This little guy is still very willing to give hugs and kisses, or "huggles" as we like to call them. He still snuggles on our laps and still tells us he loves us whenever we need some attention. He still wakes up in the morning with that smell, that smell that just makes you want to hug and hold them. I think that it must be something that makes us feel closer to heaven. Just like when they were newborns. For some, this wears off early, others seem to hold onto it a bit longer. I am grateful that this little guy has been able to keep it. It helps keep this Momma a bit more grateful for the blessing of these beautiful little ones that I have been loaned for awhile.


Yoga can wait.

Signs of Fall

It has happened. Fall is here! Yesterday was our first "soup day." It was cold and rainy and it just felt like a day for a hot bowl of soup. When that begins to happen Fall is here.

While preparing the soup I decided that since Fall was here I should decorate. So-out came the pumpkin. I made this years ago and I have hung it up ever since. It will be there until I put up something for Christmas.

While looking out my kitchen window for the last 8 years---exactly-(we moved into this house on September 15, 2001 ) I have noticed one tree in a grove. It is my indicator of Fall. Well, today I noticed it. The changing of color. This tree is the very first tree that really show its color. It is also the first one to lose it.

When that tree starts to go red I know that summer is officially gone and Autumn is here.