Numbers on the scale

Seems like I never quite come to this little spot. I think about it a lot. I think about things to write. Then I go and fold more laundry!

Truthfully, the winter season is often rough on me. The lack of sunlight just about does me in. I have done ok this season. Other factors in my life have been frustrating. Just normal life things.
This season the "winter blues" has been different than other years in my life. I have been exercising a lot. I started to really hit the exercise last winter with my fabulous friends. They are still fabulous.

I didn't lose one pound in a year. NOT ONE POUND!. I exercised 4-6 days a week and really watched closely what I ate. Food journal, the whole enchilada. Nothing changed.

Just before Christmas we started a new exercise program-first it was a bootcamp with friends doing serious interval and tabata training. Then in December we started a program called Crossfit.

Suddenly my weight shifted. AFter a year of nothing I dropped 10 pounds in a few months. I have now been holding steady for a couple months. Interestingly it is still such a huge thing. Every single day I think and worry about my weight. I get on the scale with apprehension. EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Today I was reading a blog I have followed for years. She is struggling with her weight and healthy lifestyle. Today she decided to pass on getting on the scale. It seems to affect her attitude about herself and she is struggling.

I am not much of a commenter--I did today. This weight/healthy living stuff is hard. Such a mind game. I am totally fascinated by the mind-body connection that happens with people. My favorite shows are the weight loss ones like "Biggest Loser" and "Heavy". I just want to understand what it is that helps people make the big connections in their lives to get their health back.

This is what I wrote on Cathy's blog post.

The scale controlling our self worth is so damaging. I have always struggled with this.

Interesting thing happened to me the other day. I was walking into the store for medicine(stupid flu bug). My brain said to me--"are you a different person inside now that you are thinner?" I answered myself "no, not really"

For me one of the key factors of this "health" journey is to understand where and why. I am actually at a weight I have not been to in 20+years. It is fun. I feel strong. It is more fun to buy pants. However, I am also at a point that the crazies often creep in.

Today I was at my workout pushing myself hard. Doing things I have never done in my life. I was using heavy weights and doing assisted pullups. The problem? I kept looking at my friend do unassisted pullups and I started to beat myself up because I am not making very much progress doing them myself. I forgot that not too long ago I couldn't even do one assisted pullup, I couldn't run very far, I couldn't do a wall handstand and I had never lifted a weight bar in my life,much less lifted quite heavy weights many times!

The key to this healthy lifestyle is not always that perfect number on the scale. It is knowing when you are trying hard. Feeding your body healthy food, resting when needed and having a better attitude towards oneself. If you honestly know that you are being good to your body through good food and exercise and not sabotaging yourself with unhealthy patterns,(honesty can bite) than give yourself a break.

Now if only I can remember this!

I have been going to yoga off and on---about once a week (give or take a few weeks here and there) since September.

I really want to "get" yoga. I don't yet. I stand there and still feel like a frumpy dork that can't balance on one leg!

Why then do I keep going? Why do I return to something that I am not good at?

I just don't know. I know that it is easy for me to quit. I don't want to be a quitter. The bigger reason I keep going is to see if I can finally get to the point that I LOVE IT! I hear the wonderful positive things about yoga and I want to experience them! I want to feel what other people feel about yoga. The mind/body connection. The clearing of the mind connection.

I also want to be able to bend like a pretzel.

AM madness!

I am not a natural morning person. I strongly desire to be a morning person.

Today I got up at 4:30 AM and made it to the gym for a brutal 5:00AM class. It was a great class. I was sweating so hard that sweat was dripping into my eyes---that is some serious sweat. It is only 8:30 am and I have been to the gym, gotten children off to school, folded five loads of laundry, sorted 10 loads, made my bed and showered. This is why I MUST BECOME A MORNING PERSON! Maybe I have jumped on the step!

The Step

We watch very little t.v. around here. I let the kids watch a bit here and there but I rarely watch anything. However, I really enjoy watching The Biggest Loser on NBC. This is the show about very overweight people trying to lose weight. Last night something on the show struck me---it really made me think.

This gal is working with the crazy trainer Jillian. She is working them HARD. She has a stool that she wants the gal to jump on. It isn't really that high, I have jumped on them when I was in my boot camp class. This is the low one, there are higher ones. This gal watched everyone else jump up on this step. Many of them are heavier than she is. She can't do it. She is absolutely freaked out by this step. She works on it on her own, others try and motivate her, help her, almost willing her to get her legs up enough that she is up on this step. She has done much harder things in the gym than this step, however, she is so stressed about this step.

Do we each have these steps in our lives? The things that we keep walking up to but just can't quite get ourselves to jump up on? I know that I do. Why do we do this to ourselves, especially when we CAN do these things. What is the mental block that stops us from achieving our goals. Where do these blocks come from? What are the steps to overcoming these blocks.

I think that the first step has to be recognition. I feel that many times we skirt around things. We just keep plugging along, doing all the things in this life that take up so much time and energy but don't add up to much satisfaction. I am not saying that we can stop doing many of these things because if I stop we don't have clean undies and those are important. However, maybe my focus needs to change. Instead of worrying and fussing about the laundry I should just do it as well as possible, and move on. Move on to something that gives me MORE.

More what? More joy and more satisfaction. More beauty and creativity. More Love and Kindness. More of things that really matter in life. Relationships with others. Service and devotion. Even better health.

I am going to get up on that step!

For Real-Yoga?

It is already Wednesday. My kiddos have been in school for an entire week. It is amazing how quickly the rhythm that seems to be lacking in the summer is quickly put back into place. I like the rhythm. It seems to bring much more calmness to my life.
I am really trying to get back into the habit of going to the gym. I have been running all summer but I feel like my body needs more cross-training(that sounds important). I went to yoga today. Let me repeat YOGA. Me, I went to yoga! I have been a total of about four times in my entire life. I don't completely "get" yoga yet. It seems like a silly way to use a precious hour of exercise time. How can standing in strange poses with stranger names help your body?

Today I found out how.

*Yoga is hard.
*My body is rigid
*I was sweating and breathing hard within a few minutes
*When class started I could NOT touch my toes
*When class was over I COULD touch my toes
*I have had a really sore upper thigh muscle-it feels so much better
*I feel amazingly calmer

So, I will continue yoga. Maybe someday I can twist like a pretzel and hold my entire body with one hand. For today I will try not to eat pretzels!

Part of the plan?

I am becoming a runner. I will be a runner. I will run a 10K this year.

Today I ran about 3 miles again. Had to stop for a minute at the 1/2 way point.

Came home and realized that I had bird poop on my shoulder!

Random Bits of Nothingness!

*My computer is alive! However, we are going to be adding a bigger hard drive so we will be without it again. So, my posts will be sparse--with no pictures.

*It is still winter here. It is April-Spring must come soon!

*I bought lovely daffodils for my table. My wonderful tulips finally bit the dust.

*I am still struggling with energy, the cold and dark weather just doesn't help me want to go out and go running! I am trying to enlist a friend to start going to the gym in the mornings with me. Perhaps it will be the motivation I need.

*I have been studying my photography books. The more I study the less I know.

*I am avoiding laundry. I have mounds.

*My children have been doing more chores--happy Momma-not so happy kids!

*I went to a scripture study class today and came home depressed. I don't think that is the intention of the class. I felt unlearned and like a failure as a mother. I took the little man to McDonald's after to try and relieve a little gloom.

*I bought more frozen fruit and raw spinach so I can have my green smoothies again.

*My best friend leaves tomorrow for a trip to Germany---without me! I will miss her, every single day.

Monday

Mondays-love/hate!

I made it to the gym! My brain wasn't really into it but I did it! I am having to coddle myself like you do a little baby. "You can do it, come on, your almost there. Yeah! You made it." I hope that soon, very soon I will not have to coddle, that I will be ready to burst out.

Until then, laundry!

One small step!

I DID IT! I ran today! I actually ran one full mile without stopping! That sounds so pathetic but for me it is a brave step! I haven't ran since Thanksgiving so I was glad that I made it that far before I had to walk a bit. I managed two miles and figured that was a good place to start.

I have also gotten Mr. Sweetness to try a green smoothie and MissA actually asked me to make her one! I added a frozen banana and I liked that addition! I hope that in three weeks I can say that I can tell a difference in my life!!

Being Brave

I have health issues. The biggest health issue for me is that I am genetically predisposed to have a fat derriere. Because of this disposition if I choose to relax on any aspect of healthy living it shows---literally -- on my back side!

I have had a stupid foot issue-plantar fasciitis--for almost 1 1/2 years. Because of this I have not been exercising with the vigor that I had the 1 1/2 years before that. I also struggle with a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder every winter so I have been hibernating, not exercising,eating less than stellar and just being quite slow.

The combination of all these factors is not a pretty sight.

I have been coming to grips with the fact that I am basically a big lazy whiner. I don't like to push myself. I have not mastered the whole 'mind over matter' thing. My mind is lazy and doesn't want to stretch. I like to think big. I learn about all types of things.I am an information junkie! I can rattle off information about different healthy lifestyles or exercises better than a personal trainer.

Problem is---I don't walk the walk!

What to do? What to do? How does one get to where they can get out of their own slow stuck spot and be brave? Does healthy living really take being brave? I think that it does. For many people struggling just like I do it is easier to just be---whatever that being is. If we are overweight because we are predisposed to it or because we eat too many ding dongs we are still familiar with being overweight or unhealthy. We don't like it but we can't quite figure out how to change it.

Change is hard. It is uncomfortable. It is unfamiliar. I have known people that are in horribly abusive relationships, they leave the person only to go immediately back to that person. Why do they do this? They do it because it is familiar. It is what they know. Change is hard.

Learning to change ones life is hard. Much more mental than I ever imagined. I know the talk. I know WHAT I need to do. How do I walk the walk?

I am going to start the walk with baby steps. Yesterday I started drinking green smoothies. I have known people that have drunk them for years. My friend Laura swears that they have helped her shed weight more easily than ever before in her life. She has lost all her baby weight and more.

I am stepping out of my comfort zone and trying one BRAVE baby step. I bought fresh spinach and frozen fruit and ground it up in a blender and drank it--two days in a row! MissA is on the wagon with me. I also managed to go to the gym today. I guess that is two baby brave steps.

I am also trying to convince my lazy brain that I can now start to run again. My foot is going to be strong. I can do it. I have this need to become a runner. Someone that actually loves to run. Someone that needs to run. I want that runners high.

I also want to have the thin backside of a runner!

Another Day!

I did not manage to get my sorry carcass(ever notice the spelling of that word) up this morning to go to the gym--however, I made it tonight! I was the only student in the spin class! It felt great! I hope that I am starting to really awaken from the slumber!!!

Wow!

I am taking this moment to exclaim that there is a ray of HOPE that my dark winter hibernation season is beginning to end! I got out of my warm comfy bed at the dark and cold hour of 4:30 am so that I could be at the gym at 5:00 am!!!! I did it!!

It is now 8:00 am and I have had a HARD boot camp workout, made eggs twice, and cleaned a dirty kitchen! This along with actually seeing all of my children before they go to school. Mr. Sweetness has been on early school duty since about early December when the hibernation took over!

Let's hope that it is truly the beginning of brighter, more energetic days!!

Reality Bites!

Have you ever known something is true but you keep lying to yourself, telling yourself that it isn't really that bad?

Well, today a picture was taken. It's THAT BAD! The picture was taken in honor of my 365 challenge. Something that represents a snippet of life in this household.

The picture taken was of me-folding the mounds and mounds of laundry that have been suffocating me for --well--ever. The lying to myself part is not that I am a terrible housekeeper and can't keep up on my laundry-that is a given and accepted fact. Ask any member of this family! The part that I have been lying to myself about is that I have gained some weight but I am still smaller than I was a couple of years ago because I have been exercising--the whole muscle weighs more than fat concept.

There is an old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words---well---this one picture spoke volumes!

I am fatter than I have been in FOUR years. The only reason that I can wear a smaller pants size is because they are the only pants I have and I am pouring myself into them.

I am trying to decide if I am going to post this picture-it is embarrassing. Terribly embarrassing. Perhaps actually having a record of it will help me to correct myself. It is a new year and new years are full of new intentions and new resolutions. I haven't really made myself a detailed list of the improvements I want to make in my life, however, I know that my health is one of them.

I throw out the term My Health lightly. I like to try and act like the reason that I try to occasionally eat healthy is not because I am on a diet but because I want to live a healthy lifestyle. Well, sometimes, once again, I am lying. It is because I hate being fat. I want to look good in a pair of jeans, I want to feel good in my own skin and not feel like I have a 14 cup of flour dough ball for a belly!

Sometimes a wake up call is painful.

Enough junk!

Have you ever eaten so much junk that it actually begins to lose its appeal? That is where I am. I want big leafy green salads with grilled chicken. I want water-lots and lots of water. I also want to want to get my carcass out of bed and run. I want to run.

Okay---I want to be thin and have ten million dollars also!

Anyone with me on jumping back on the healthy lifestyle wagon?

Alignment

Sometimes the moon and the stars just align and all is well with the world!~

This morning I had decided that I wasn't going to get up early, I could wait and go to the gym at 9:00 am. Well, I didn't turn off my cell phone alarm. It went off at 5:00am. I turned it off and rolled over. I actually rolled across Little Man who had climbed in sometime in the night. I then moved him to his little bed on the floor after he started kicking Mr. Sweetness in the back! Then I laid in my bed--awake. I was AWAKE. At 5:00 am! That is miracle material. I had a second miracle when I actually mentally realized that this was a miracle. So-I got up and out of my bed at 5:10 am and got ready to go to the gym.

Perhaps my body is going to kick in now. Perhaps the scale will move from it's permanently frozen number. Perhaps my pants will start to fit better and then get too big for me!~

Perhaps the moon and stars will stay aligned for a while longer!~

I did it!

I ran 2 miles tonight~! I ran 1 mile before I had to stop and walk. I then only walked for a bit and then ran the entire way home! I was very slow(as always) but I felt stronger, like my body is finally adapting to harder and more regular exercise. This is a good thing! I am hoping that my foot will not be angry with me tomorrow. It has been about the same--whether I exercise or not, it hurts some.

I actually managed to get my sorry carcass out of bed this morning and at the gym by 5:45 am! I did a cycle(spin) class. I don't know if it was just dark and early but I didn't really love spin at 6:00 am. I usually really like to do the bike. Perhaps it was just a hormonal me?

Anyone ever watch NBC's Biggest Loser? We have been. I just want to lose at least 2 pounds a week. Is that too much to ask? What is up with my body? Do I have to exercise 3 hours every day to get over this plateau?

It makes me crazy!!!

Good Week

Last week ended on a rather rough note. Read---Mom was crabby!

So, this is going to be a much better week! No cheesecake, only healthy food and LOTS of exercise!

Who is with me?

Today I did something hard

I ran today!~



It felt good.



I was slow but I did it!



I am going to try it again tomorrow!

Depressing

If you don't care about my diet/exercise program-skip this!~

I am trying to get healthy. I have been really careful about my diet and I have been exercising like a crazy woman. I have been starting to feel good about my progress. I have more energy, lost a few initial pounds, am doing well not eating lots of sugar.

Last night my trainer had a special class for us. I went not really knowing what to expect. It was a boot camp class like no other! I have taken boot camp classes at two gyms. I know what they are. This was so much harder! Besides worrying about overdoing it with my foot I was able to do everything--not really well or fast but I was sweating and breathing hard. This is not the problem!

The problem came before class started when my trainer brought out a hand held body fat indicator. You plug in your numbers, age, height etc. Then you hold this video game controller looking thing out in front of you. The number that came up for my body fat percentage was SHOCKING! It is so shocking that I am NOT going to print it. I had my body fat percentage tested last October and December--great improvement then. Had it tested again in March-it had stayed the same. I figured that it would probably be pretty close to the first reading, maybe even a couple of percentages higher because I have been so inactive since March.

I was NOT PREPARED for this reading. Now to know if it is very accurate and how to incorporate the information into my new routine!

I am taking this morning off from exercising. I am nervous about overdoing it with my foot. However, I don't want to not keep going. I have to get this extra weight off. I am not getting any younger--my birthday is coming up to prove it. With the history of my family's hearts I have to be in charge of my health.

So? I am just going to take the reading with a grain of salt(very depressing, yucky salt) and hope that in eight weeks it will be better!

Good, Better or Best?

We are all plugging along. #2 is still in football, we have piano for #2 and #3. Preschool for me and #4 four times a week and also cub scouts for me. #1 and #3 have dance. #1 has all the things that HS students have. Sweetness (hubby) is still a Bishop(LDS) so that means he is going and going and going.(he is tired, he needs a vacation more than I do) School, homework, dishes, laundry, housework, cooking, etc. It is a whirlwind of activity all the time.

I often think about how busy we are. Why? I try to not over schedule my children. The problem that I have found is that with FOUR children it gets busy if they are involved in anything! So, I just suck it up and try. Some months(years) I do better than others. Last week was not such a good week. Combine a new eating/exercise program with the full moon(read-- middle of cycle crabbiness) and me teaching preschool.

This week is better! It is Tuesday and I feel good about my eating/exercising. I went TWICE to workout yesterday! One at FIVE AM!!!! That is like a miracle! I am so not a morning person! I then went in the evening to a cycle class. I was to weigh myself last night--I was nervous because I had weighed in the morning. I was down 2 pounds. Which really is good. I just wanted it to be more. So, I get on the scale after the class---I was down FIVE pounds! I am thrilled!

Today I got up and went to the gym again at 5:00 am with #1. She wanted to go, I was so proud of her! Tonight I went and worked out again. Sweetness thinks that I am crazy. I am trying to rev up my metabolism after so much inactivity. I have been icing my foot and it seems to be about the same pain level as when I have only been doing 1/2 as much or less exercise. I hope that the new inserts that I am getting tomorrow will help immensely.(I have only been waiting for them since the first week in July!)

Preschool went so well today! The morning class is my hardest class. The few with attention focus problems were so much better today. Perhaps it is just me getting used to how they work so that I can work with them better. I still don't know if I will teach again next year. It is just too soon to know. However, after today I felt much better than last week.

So, I am trying to remember to focus and prioritize. I had a great opportunity given to me for a new business. I had to really think about this. It is the type of thing that I would love, and probably be good at. However, I decided that now is not the time. I can not commit myself to anything else. How good am I if I am stretched so thin that I am only glossing over every single thing and person in my life? It was hard to decide this. However, I feel good with my decision. Other opportunities will come in my life.

Good, Better, Best----There are so many good things in life. Do I want to have lots and lots of good or do I want to be a bit more selective and have more best in my life? I am trying to find that balance.